Cast a cold eye on life, on death. Horsman pass by

…is always a huge spoon full of crow, humble pie, and your own words. Everyone I have hurt or wronged has always seem to have gotten their revenge. It may not have been them that took it but for some reason my sense of right and wrong run deep. Not to say that I dont deliberately do the wrong thing sometimes. But I do know where that line is. 

I find that when i cross that line, it seems to always, without fail, come back around on me. This wouldnt bother me so much if I saw it or new it happened to more people that have fucked me over.

***There is one person that i know has theirs coming… no doubt in my mind, so im not worried about that.***

But for now we will address the current situation, I fucked up. And i have fucked up before in many instances and maybe if i keep getting burnt enough i will learn. However, on the other hand the one time i played by the rules, was the one time i really got screwed by the perverbial refs! So playing stone cold clean gets you know where. Playing dirty like the rest of the world gets your know where…

My question is if life constantly gives you lemons no matter the choices you make, is it acceptable to just to worry about the end result and live continuously in the moment?

This was a school project i did in my human sexuality class… :my interpretation of LOVE.

STATS:

86% of statistics are made up

the true 14% isnt enough to fill half the cup

so maybe the glass is half empty

or maybe its just me

But if whites are the majority and we have say

then why do we listen to the minorities, this is supposed to be a democracy anyway

so the cup is 1/4 full

and we all are at least 3/4 full of shit

with 90% of males thinking they are the shit

and 96% of females acting like pieces of it.

Your fat ass and tits dont mean a thing

Its not your puss but your person that get you that ring

45-50% or marriages will fail

with the 20-24 age range representing that pretty well

36% for females and 38% for males to be exact

just a bunch of kids having kids, what tact

Then we have grown parents acting stupid

the divorcees dating along side there kids like you did (mom)

 the world is coming to and end for one reason or another

i feel the biggest reason is the lack of a good mother

ones that are supposed to teach us to love and hug one another

but they didnt bother

too busy trying to keep up appearances like the slutty daughter

The sins of our parents will be our greatest flaw

we pay for their short comings its not entirely our fault

we need to rely on each other, the road is long, the bill is tall

Dear God, watch over us all.

- for B. Johnson

These songs that you sing to about being independent and strong

about struggling and persevering about finding love and broken hearts

             are not songs about you.

you are the subject of all those songs inspired by the liars and cheats.

The ones who got caught. The ones that fuel the rage and hurt.

             Those songs are yours.

They all wrote about you. Yeats, Frost, Poe and Joyce

Even Eminem had someone like you they all had thier voice.

This is mine and it your fault we didnt have this choice.

None of us wanted to write like this there is no pleasure in these words we write

or the thoughts we think it hurts and is sad to ponder about the love lost

            and the happiness once had,

            this is an outlet, a dam.

To release the pressure when the blood boils, the walls crack and water over flows

Its better than killing you and everyone down stream than not writing, letting the damn break and the flood water go.

Maud Gone and you are a lot alike, you both love two men.

Lied to them too, and thought it alright.

You are not the worst and i am sure there are others who

lie, lust and abuse trust more than you

But no self pity, no excuse for doing the right thing for the wrong reasons

or using the right reasons to do the wrong thing,

it is what it is.Dont run from your crown

Wear your scarlet letter on your sleeve like i did with my heart and stand proud.

Cheat, slut, tramp, loose, harlot, lady of the night, WHORE!!!!

I could have gave you more, But you walked out my door.

And you start to fade, and be forgotten

I write this in honor and in memory of who….?

I…. cant…. remember..

truth is, she is just better than you.

Talking about your dreams doesnt make you a saint,

It makes you full of shit.

Your pretentious dreams are false and empty,

Until you do something with it.

Yours!? I want them to fall and disapate,

I hope they burn and go up in smoke.

I want you to step up to the plate,

with all that weight on you and choke.

I poured myself into you like a broken body into a gurney,

a survivor into a life boat.

It wasnt me that was to heavy to bare,

you had the hole, you couldnt float.

I rescued you cause you rescued me,

but you sank further and further into the void,

Was it my fault? it couldnt have been!

I trusted you. It was my hopes that were destroyed!

Yeah i found out about your new guy, your other,

your fuck, your bandit, your fascination,

Bout a ticket for paradise

But purgatory was my destination.

There is no doubt you are one of a kind

there is no one else like you

You had the blackest heart

And a fucked up mind to go with it too.

But this is it, I’m done. You dont deserve any more of my of my mind,

Your dreams, your thoughts all the hell your put me through i have faced.

Let me bury you under six feet of my words,

You have been replaced.

originofanewspecies:

To last, to make it through.

I am strong enough to move past my strongholds.

In fact, I am strong enough to hold my head high and believe.

Most days it is hard.

Most days I don’t feel strong enough to deal,

but I am.

Or I wouldn’t be here.

I will find beauty in pain.

Though it won’t be today, here I am,

holding on to what I cannot see.

After all that has passed,

After I have cried my last,

there will be beauty from my pain.

“God must love crazy people. He makes a lot of them.”

I see now why so many people turn there backs toward God. Its never just because of one thing. Its a compilation of multiple things. It’s learning your lesson from something then changing what you do or who you are into the person your “should be.” A Better person. Then getting told that its wrong again. You keep making these blind changes and it keeps coming up as Incorrect or Access Denied.

I was hurt! That being said lets go back into the football mentality of stop making excuses cause you will only have yourself to blame because in the end that is the only thing you will ever be able to control. Is YOURSELF. So Yes. Its my fault. I’m sorry. With that in mind lets go back. I was hurt and trying to figure out if i was gonna land on my feet or if i was just gonna be strung along for a few more weeks. So in an attempt to brighten my spirits a group of guys came over and decided to cheer me up. Whats the best was to cheer up someone who just got dumped? Either give them a hug and let em cry and vent, or bash their ex. Since guys don’t do the first the latter is what happened. In this bashing they were shown our “Alternative blog.” They asked can we read it, and i said sure do whatever you want. So I made the mistake of leaving three 18 year olds with my lap top and a personal blog shared by my ex and myself thinking that “do whatever you want” would not come back and bite me in the ass.

Well, well, well. Here I sit, months after the fact, and it has seemed to bit me in the ass again. I was hurt and actively did nothing. But with everyone I could blame I sit, knowing it is my fault. Wishing I could have changed it. Wishing i could do something to make it right, or make amends. ____ ____ ____, I do not want to hate you. I do not want to cause you anymore stress or damage than what already has been done. I know that somehow I have caused irreparable damage to what little relationship we had let if any at all or any chance at a social one in the future, all by doing nothing. Maybe if I had gotten on to check it one more time I would have been able to take it down before it got to this point. I had no idea. But ignorance is no excuse. If you can find it somewhere to forgive me that would be nice. If not I can totally understand. Coming from the person who is the king of grudges I understand.

I hate camping. HATE IT. Especially this half ass camping, where you get a long cabin that is the size of a normal living room with AC but not kitchen or bathroom. This whole thing made the experience a living hell. And even more so last night. I could not sleep, making phone cal after phone call to whoever i could trying to figure out what went wrong and what to do and if there was any way at salvaging this wreck. When I did finally find out and tried to sleep I found out that woodpeckers like log cabins for breakfast  around 5 in the morning.

I have been led on, lied to, cheated on, and now hurt someone who i once cared so deeply for and her family, as well as someone who finally made me happy. And all of this… ALL of it, is my fault. This is not a pity party or a feel sympathy for Grey moment. It is just a realization that you can only control yourself and in the end no matter what others actions are the only person any one has to blame is the same person staring back in the mirror. I wish desperately that i could do something to make it all right. I wish that could be my fault to. If I can be responsible for all the shit in my life then i would really like to be responsible for making it right again. To all, I am sorry.

Fantastic. Who would have thought a week later I would be in this position. God works in really awesome ways.

And You know, she was right. The Next one is always better.

Thank you for your kind words. Just so you know I still have tremendous respect for you, your husband, son, and youngest daughter. I miss them all and wish them the best. If I were to see anyone of you out I would have no hesitation in talking to any of you. You were nothing but loving and welcoming with open arms. All of you. For that I thank you.

I love, I laugh, I hurt, I heal, I learn, I love… again. That is how I’m wired.

Alright, I am sorry to all who have followed me and have had to put up with my whiny post for the past month! I know, I’m a lil bitch. However this will be the close of this horrible chapter, I promise.

I have thought and thought and I have realized that I am no longer mad or upset or have much distaste for my ex at all. All because of three events that have happened and one that keeps occurring.

The First is the fact that she left me for another guy. I can list all kinds of reasons for why this was a stupid move on her part but I will refrain from speaking ill of her. After all she is a child and does not know any better. The grass is always greener I suppose. Especially since I go to school in Georgia and she attends school in Tennessee. Being someone who is as sexual as she is I’m sure that the temptation of physical pleasure was more overwhelming than the willingness to wait a couple weeks for me. This whole thing means that I did nothing wrong. I never degraded her. I treated her like an equal. Never above me but certainly not below. She was my partner. If she didnt want that well then I guess the loyal loving type is not HER type.

The Second come from what happened later that night after I found out the whole story from her. I sat on the bench on our church softball game and explained to a friend what had happened. At the end of this story I revealed my ex’s new romantic interest. The person I was in conversation with revealed to me an exchange of words held between her boyfriend and my ex’s new male the day before where the “other guy” bragged about all of his hot sexual encounters he  had in the past couple weeks with all these girls. Including this one who would come over, write his papers for him then fuck him. She left me for someone who she just “fell for him and his family” but doesn’t know that he is doing the same thing to her she did to me. PRICELESS!!! :)

And the third and possibly most satisfying event that is blessing my soul are her friends. The friends who I had meet maybe one time and others I had never talked to in my life, coming out of the wood works, 7 now all together, apologizing to me for the way she treated me. That they do not know what is wrong with her and that she is not the same friend they used to hang out with. Her own friends, the same ones she swears by are the ones who look down on her in disgust  wondering what the hell she is doing! Now I hate that her friends can’t come out and tell her this on their own but I can say I have tried before and it only produces a Pissed off C.E.W.(her name) and drama so I can’t fully blame them for not wanting to.

Now, the good that came out of this is I have made many new friends. Stole hers mostly. I at least got a little bit of her aspect on life and tolerance of people. But what I am really excited about is the net $300 dollars profit I made off selling the Alanis Morissette tickets I had bought her for her birthday. :)

Do I wish and pray for bad things for her?  Not anymore. So No.

Do I hopes she learns a lesson somewhere down the road? Hell Yes

So the form or package that lesson comes wrapped in is up to the Gods.

I have learned never to say never. However, I am happy now and over it. What takes my mind off of her lies and cheating is seeing Adam with his girlfriend. They are perfect for each other. She is a little childish and acts about 7 years younger than she really is but the fact that they work and he is happy makes my heart melt. I have never seen him like this before and I am so happy that he finally has a taste of or even the full thing or what I have had a few times. I love you Doak.