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This fighting is beneath me, but it’s where we are at.
All of your problems, I keep thinking “been there, done that.”
You have invested in me and you got your return,
But I invested in you without getting what I earned.
Your problems are bigger and more important than mine,
Your schedule, jam packed, you don’t have any time.
You think I bitch too much and sit on my ass
And you can’t talk to me because you’re black out and smoking grass.
That’s fine, you’re right. Those reasons are all legit.
I’m just too caught up in my own pride and I suppose I should fix it.
As a matter of fact I think I will.
Give you some of your own medicine, let you swallow that pill.
I wont compete with you trying to be everything you need.
If you get to be and do you then I’m going to do me.
Beat my own drum, dance to my own beat.
Pick my shit up and follow my own feet.
I’m done working for you, I don’t need a boss.
If you don’t wanna play ball it is your own damn loss.
I know what I’m worth and what I am.
You will be hard pressed to find that in another man.
"Suck it up," she said. "I’m done fighting."
You may be sorry that you ever got me writing…
…is always a huge spoon full of crow, humble pie, and your own words. Everyone I have hurt or wronged has always seem to have gotten their revenge. It may not have been them that took it but for some reason my sense of right and wrong run deep. Not to say that I dont deliberately do the wrong thing sometimes. But I do know where that line is.
I find that when i cross that line, it seems to always, without fail, come back around on me. This wouldnt bother me so much if I saw it or new it happened to more people that have fucked me over.
***There is one person that i know has theirs coming… no doubt in my mind, so im not worried about that.***
But for now we will address the current situation, I fucked up. And i have fucked up before in many instances and maybe if i keep getting burnt enough i will learn. However, on the other hand the one time i played by the rules, was the one time i really got screwed by the perverbial refs! So playing stone cold clean gets you know where. Playing dirty like the rest of the world gets your know where…
My question is if life constantly gives you lemons no matter the choices you make, is it acceptable to just to worry about the end result and live continuously in the moment?
86% of statistics are made up
the true 14% isnt enough to fill half the cup
so maybe the glass is half empty
or maybe its just me
But if whites are the majority and we have say
then why do we listen to the minorities, this is supposed to be a democracy anyway
so the cup is 1/4 full
and we all are at least 3/4 full of shit
with 90% of males thinking they are the shit
and 96% of females acting like pieces of it.
Your fat ass and tits dont mean a thing
Its not your puss but your person that get you that ring
45-50% or marriages will fail
with the 20-24 age range representing that pretty well
36% for females and 38% for males to be exact
just a bunch of kids having kids, what tact
Then we have grown parents acting stupid
the divorcees dating along side there kids like you did (mom)
the world is coming to and end for one reason or another
i feel the biggest reason is the lack of a good mother
ones that are supposed to teach us to love and hug one another
but they didnt bother
too busy trying to keep up appearances like the slutty daughter
The sins of our parents will be our greatest flaw
we pay for their short comings its not entirely our fault
we need to rely on each other, the road is long, the bill is tall
Dear God, watch over us all.
- for B. Johnson
These songs that you sing to about being independent and strong
about struggling and persevering about finding love and broken hearts
are not songs about you.
you are the subject of all those songs inspired by the liars and cheats.
The ones who got caught. The ones that fuel the rage and hurt.
Those songs are yours.
They all wrote about you. Yeats, Frost, Poe and Joyce
Even Eminem had someone like you they all had thier voice.
This is mine and it your fault we didnt have this choice.
None of us wanted to write like this there is no pleasure in these words we write
or the thoughts we think it hurts and is sad to ponder about the love lost
and the happiness once had,
this is an outlet, a dam.
To release the pressure when the blood boils, the walls crack and water over flows
Its better than killing you and everyone down stream than not writing, letting the damn break and the flood water go.
Maud Gone and you are a lot alike, you both love two men.
Lied to them too, and thought it alright.
You are not the worst and i am sure there are others who
lie, lust and abuse trust more than you
But no self pity, no excuse for doing the right thing for the wrong reasons
or using the right reasons to do the wrong thing,
it is what it is.Dont run from your crown
Wear your scarlet letter on your sleeve like i did with my heart and stand proud.
Cheat, slut, tramp, loose, harlot, lady of the night, WHORE!!!!
I could have gave you more, But you walked out my door.
And you start to fade, and be forgotten
I write this in honor and in memory of who….?
I…. cant…. remember..
truth is, she is just better than you.
Talking about your dreams doesnt make you a saint,
It makes you full of shit.
Your pretentious dreams are false and empty,
Until you do something with it.
Yours!? I want them to fall and disapate,
I hope they burn and go up in smoke.
I want you to step up to the plate,
with all that weight on you and choke.
I poured myself into you like a broken body into a gurney,
a survivor into a life boat.
It wasnt me that was to heavy to bare,
you had the hole, you couldnt float.
I rescued you cause you rescued me,
but you sank further and further into the void,
Was it my fault? it couldnt have been!
I trusted you. It was my hopes that were destroyed!
Yeah i found out about your new guy, your other,
your fuck, your bandit, your fascination,
Bout a ticket for paradise
But purgatory was my destination.
There is no doubt you are one of a kind
there is no one else like you
You had the blackest heart
And a fucked up mind to go with it too.
But this is it, I’m done. You dont deserve any more of my of my mind,
Your dreams, your thoughts all the hell your put me through i have faced.
Let me bury you under six feet of my words,
You have been replaced.
To last, to make it through.
I am strong enough to move past my strongholds.
In fact, I am strong enough to hold my head high and believe.
Most days it is hard.
Most days I don’t feel strong enough to deal,
but I am.
Or I wouldn’t be here.
I will find beauty in pain.
Though it won’t be today, here I am,
holding on to what I cannot see.
After all that has passed,
After I have cried my last,
there will be beauty from my pain.
"God must love crazy people. He makes a lot of them."
I see now why so many people turn there backs toward God. Its never just because of one thing. Its a compilation of multiple things. It’s learning your lesson from something then changing what you do or who you are into the person your “should be.” A Better person. Then getting told that its wrong again. You keep making these blind changes and it keeps coming up as Incorrect or Access Denied.
I was hurt! That being said lets go back into the football mentality of stop making excuses cause you will only have yourself to blame because in the end that is the only thing you will ever be able to control. Is YOURSELF. So Yes. Its my fault. I’m sorry. With that in mind lets go back. I was hurt and trying to figure out if i was gonna land on my feet or if i was just gonna be strung along for a few more weeks. So in an attempt to brighten my spirits a group of guys came over and decided to cheer me up. Whats the best was to cheer up someone who just got dumped? Either give them a hug and let em cry and vent, or bash their ex. Since guys don’t do the first the latter is what happened. In this bashing they were shown our “Alternative blog.” They asked can we read it, and i said sure do whatever you want. So I made the mistake of leaving three 18 year olds with my lap top and a personal blog shared by my ex and myself thinking that “do whatever you want” would not come back and bite me in the ass.
Well, well, well. Here I sit, months after the fact, and it has seemed to bit me in the ass again. I was hurt and actively did nothing. But with everyone I could blame I sit, knowing it is my fault. Wishing I could have changed it. Wishing i could do something to make it right, or make amends. ____ ____ ____, I do not want to hate you. I do not want to cause you anymore stress or damage than what already has been done. I know that somehow I have caused irreparable damage to what little relationship we had let if any at all or any chance at a social one in the future, all by doing nothing. Maybe if I had gotten on to check it one more time I would have been able to take it down before it got to this point. I had no idea. But ignorance is no excuse. If you can find it somewhere to forgive me that would be nice. If not I can totally understand. Coming from the person who is the king of grudges I understand.
I hate camping. HATE IT. Especially this half ass camping, where you get a long cabin that is the size of a normal living room with AC but not kitchen or bathroom. This whole thing made the experience a living hell. And even more so last night. I could not sleep, making phone cal after phone call to whoever i could trying to figure out what went wrong and what to do and if there was any way at salvaging this wreck. When I did finally find out and tried to sleep I found out that woodpeckers like log cabins for breakfast around 5 in the morning.
I have been led on, lied to, cheated on, and now hurt someone who i once cared so deeply for and her family, as well as someone who finally made me happy. And all of this… ALL of it, is my fault. This is not a pity party or a feel sympathy for Grey moment. It is just a realization that you can only control yourself and in the end no matter what others actions are the only person any one has to blame is the same person staring back in the mirror. I wish desperately that i could do something to make it all right. I wish that could be my fault to. If I can be responsible for all the shit in my life then i would really like to be responsible for making it right again. To all, I am sorry.
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